How to Ruin North Korea

How to Ruin North Korea




History

Many historians believe the reason the Japanese surrendered wasn’t because the U.S. nuked them, but because the Russians were about to invade.



The Japanese knew exactly what would have happened if the Russians took over. They had seen what happened in Europe, they had seen what the Russians did to the Koreans, the Koreans weren’t even the Russians enemies and tales of mass murder and raping and pillaging made its way across the sea.



The Russians weren’t the only ones fighting in East Asia, and America got its piece of the Korean pie too. So began the salvation of the South, and the destruction of the North.



Stalin took a liking to Kim IL Sung. They went to parties, drank vodka, killed people, Stalin was the master, Kim the apprentice. When Stalin finally released Kim into the North, it was with the knowledge that Kim would re-unite Korea under the Red Flag.



Relying heavily on Russian and Chinese money, goods, weapons, military, and man power, the North Koreans tried to fulfill their greatest goal, enslaving all the people in the Land of the Morning Calm. America stepped in and General McArthur stomped the North with a powerful push from Pusan and an amphibious incursion into Inchon. McArthur spilled the gut of Kim’s force, and then pushed north until North Korea was defeated. Alas this was a war for Socialism, and the Chinese and Russians pushed back.



Despite America’s great military prowess, her politics are that of a beaten dog and when McArthur said, ‘Let’s go to China’, America said, ‘No let’s just puss out instead.’



So the ground they had gained was lost for fear of hurting the Chinese government’s feelings.



Pussy whipped, the liberating force became the defensive force and fell back to the south. There the frontline stayed.



Today North Korea is an exemplary Socialist state achieving the greatest level a Socialist country can have, utter poverty, and barely maintaining life only through massive amounts of donations from Russia, China, and quite sacrificially, South Korea and the U.S.



Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime, unless the man is a Socialist, in which case he’ll proceed to keep asking for more fish.



I have a solution, to ruin this great Democratic People’s Republic of Korea without firing a single shot. Send in the Mexicans.



“I will not initiate the use of force”



Of course the US military could annihilate North Korea in a day, well two days, one to get there, the other to do the whole “taking over”. Here is a plausible log of this hypothetical day;



0700 FIRST CONTACT WITH NORTH KOREAN PATROL BOAT.

0701 DPRK SONG-JU PATROL BOAT SUNK.

0706 SIX FISHING BOATS WITH BOW MOUNTED MACHINE GUNS DO

SUICIDE RUNS ON THE USS JOHN S. MCCAIN.

0715 SIX FISHING BOATS SUNK.

0720 DPRK FRIGATES, NAJIN AND SOHO ALONG WITH ROMEO AND

WHISKEY SUBS DISEMBARK FROM THEIR PORTS.

0725 MIG-29S AND SU-7S TAKE OFF.

0745 THE FRIGATES AND SUBS THAT DIDN’T SINK FROM RUST HOLES

GET SWISS CHEESED BY CCSG5.

0750 USS KITTY HAWK SINKS (OPERATOR ERROR).

0800- 1000 F/A 18S OFF THE NIMITZ LAY WASTE TO PYONGYANG AS

WELL AS GROUND RADAR FACILITIES AND COMMUNICATIONS

SITES.

0900-1500 AIR FORCE BOMBERS FROM OSAN TURN EVERY DPRK

MILITARY INSTILATION INTO GLASS PARKING LOTS.

1545 CARRIER PIGEON FROM KIM JONG IL REACHES HIDDEN NUCLEAR

SILO.

1630 2 TAEPODONG IS, AND 1 TAEPODONG II LAUNCH.

1700* THE FIRST TAEPODONG I IRONICALLY DESTROYS THE

RUSSIAN /REDLIGHT DISTRICT OF PUSAN, BUT FAILS TO

DETONATE ITS NUCLEAR PAYLOAD

1710 SECOND TAEPODONG I FROM ITS COURSE AND SINKS A

CHINESE SUB THAT WAS SPYING ON JAPAN.

1655* THE TAEPODONG II INTENDED FOR TOKYO WAS PROGRAMMED

BY A KIDNAPPED JAPANESE SCIENTIST. IT PROMPTLY AND

QUITE SUCCESSFULLY OBLITERATED THE ONLY OTHER SILO IN

NORTH KOREA.

1900 THE LOCAL POLICE FORCES SHOOT ARROWS FROM BOWS AT THE

ARRIVING TANKS.

2000 THE MIGS AND SU-7S (WITHOUT FUNCTIONING RADARS)

FINALLY LOCATE THE STRIKE GROUP AND TRY TO LAUNCH STYX

MISSILES HALF THE MISSILES DETONATE BEFORE THEY

LAUNCH, THE OTHER HALF ARE DEFEATED WITH CONFETTI,

CONFETTI BLOWING IN THE WIND FROM A MILLION HAPPY

KOREANS.

2100 KIM JONG IL FLEES TO RUSSIA.

2200 KOREA IS ONE.



Of course none of this would happen because American politics wouldn’t allow it. This is why I propose ruining North Korea.



Viva La Raza



Step 1: Arrest every illegal Mexican immigrant in America and ship them via Carnival Cruise in San Diego, to Juneau, Alaska. There they will be given a choice, be a US government agent for minimum wage, or be let free into Canadia.



Step 2: 100% of the Mexicanos join and are C-130’d to a secret yet useless cryptologic facility in Hokkaido. Once there Navy CTIs along with actual Koreans teach the Mexicanos the Korean tongue.



3: Mexicanos are shipped to Vladivostok, Russia and are immediately welcomed by their brother Socialists. Then they proceed by foot into North Korea, where they apply for low paying jobs at community markets. Granted some Mexicanos will become disillusioned and try to abandon their mission, but Russia is way too cold and the myth that Chinese food in China is better than Chinese food in California will quickly dissipate.



4: Initially the North Koreans will reject these new people as each Mexicano will do the work of two starving North Koreans for half the pay. They will be bused back over the border and dumped off, but as soon as the bus leaves, they will walk right back.



5: Eventually the North Koreans will begin to accept the Mexicanos and start teaching both Korean and Spanish in the classroom. The absolute incongruity of the Mexicanos crossing the Russian border will quickly be ignored when Vicente Fox visits North Korea and thanks Kim Jong IL for being such a humanitarian. The Mexicanos will become citizens and get menial jobs all over the country. The Mexicanos will drive out the poor unskilled starving Koreans, who will risk death fleeing to South Korea, and China. This will piss off the South Koreans and China. Russia will also be pissed, because nobody likes them.



6: With Russia, China, and South Korea pissed, all funding to North Korea will stop. The Mexicanos will keep coming and the Koreans will continue to leave. At this point Kim Jong Il will find himself a King amongst foreigners in a land of no fruit. He will abandon his country to live in Mongolia. The Mexicanos will take over.



7: Soon after the takeover, hard to pronounce cities like Chaeryong and Kyomip’o will become easy ones like Mesa Verde and San Hector. The capital, Pyongyang will be called “El Ciudad de Nuevo Mexico”. And in turn, Kaesong will be known to most as “TJ.” A bastardized version of Socialism will develop until the Mexicanos remember why they left Mexico in the first place. That’s when the McDonald’s come in, and North Korea becomes the 51st state.



The End