I've had at least 1 serious resume' on monster.com since 2006. I have NEVER received a job offer. I do have a valid resume. It's just that no company has ever actually looked for a good employee. That's not how the system works. It's more like with women, they just wait for guys to hit on them, and they choose from among that group. Even if a chick gets wet just looking at a guy, 99% of the time she would not ask him to ever do anything. She'd flirt. But in the long run flirting is worthless, even bitches in long term relationships who would never date a guy would still flirt.
Anyway, a couple years ago I added a less serious resume' realizing no one reads those things anyway. I was right, my
2 current resumes on monster have been viewed a combined less than 20 times in 2 years. Fuck you monster.
Here's my funny resume.
No one is interested in my years of expertise and accomplishments. You are cowards, and you want safe hires. You're burned out from online apps, so no businesses actually hire online anymore, you guys just leave your information up here because your boss says you need it. So I'm just going to tell you the truth. I am the hardest working son of a bitch I have ever met. I started working when I was 12. By age 13 I was on my third job. I paid for all my food and clothing from that point on. I've worked in auto shops, I've painted houses, I've laid cement, I've torn up cement. I've spent 8 hours a day in 100 degree weather pulling weeds with my bare hands. I've torn down pallets with crowbars, and I've built sheds. Have you ever torn up non skid? No you haven't, I have, for days. I've weed-whacked mountain sides. You think I'm kidding? I don't even care. No one will hire me, you are cowards and I am too qualified. I'm smarter than you, I have a better education than your boss. You are threatened by my skills. I remember working 18 hours a day for months at a time, doing anything from washing pots in a huge kitchen, to fixing pipes, to cleaning filters in ventilation. I solder microcircuitry when I'm bored. In my spare time I study the other two languages I speak, I work on my writing skills, which are better than yours. I have a security clearance from the Federal government higher than your business knows about. I had a higher reading comprehension level when I was 9 than you ever will. I don't even know how I could exaggerate, I haven't even mentioned all the careers I'm already an expert at. I honestly don't think there's a more qualified person than me, anywhere. Maybe if you brought Ben Franklin or Tesla back from the dead, I could slap them around a bit. I'm better than you. And you wouldn't even consider hiring me.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Things no one gave me credit for
I'm in the mood to Rodney Dangerfield a bit. I get no respect.
- In 1994 I pulled my brother's ass out of the ocean while he was being swept away by a rip-current.
- In 2003 I recruited a winning team of sailors for a tug-a-rope tourney.
- In 2006 a fire on the bridge of the USS Fitzgerald knocked out the nav lights for the ship. It was nighttime and the Fitz was in the middle of Tokyo Bay, a crowded waterway to be sure. All the electricians were busy with the fire damaged circuits, and apparantly eveyone else had their heads up their ass. For no logical reason it fell to me to fix the situation. I mobilized my team and got port/starboard/aft lights up just in time. Just seconds after setting up the port and starboards I was heading aft and on the fantail I watched as a huge ass cruise ship barely turned to avoid us. They were about 50 feet off port heading aft. Although technically later on the Captain did get back on the 1MC after thanking everyone else and said "Oh yeah and thanks to the EWs for helping out". I just like telling that story, because when you look at
it, obviously I wasn't the only person doing anything, rather it was because our division wasn't doing anything that we could mobilize.
- In 2007 douchebags ran San Diego's world famous "Street Scene" concert right into the ground. All these morons kept bitching that Street Scene was "too popular" to be held downtown. And that it was getting in downtown's way. You can look this up if you don't believe me, but Street Scene was THE ONLY REASON downtown San Diego was revitilized. It turned literal crack houses into world class restaurants because the concert brought so much money downtown. Anyway these fuckers, including most San Diegans and the media railed against the Street Scene, like fucking Jews against Christ, they killed their savior. Then along came me. I went on a fucking one man crusade when I found out they had ruined Street Scene. I sent every asshole in the industry a piece of my mind. The next fucking year they held the concert exactly where I told them to, which was in East Village a block from my apartment. It was a fucking epic success for them. Only problem for me, I didn't live there anymore, and nobody has sent me a fucking thank you.
-2010 I helped two women pass Biology class by studying with them and tutoring them. As soon as the semester ended, they completely blew me off and wouldn't even talk to me. Bitches. I also helped a guy with his Economics final, he said thanks. That's all I'd ever hope for. Fuck.
I better think up some more or I'll be out done. Seriously most people are very appreciative. I wouldn't ever claim I've given more than I've got. It just sucks when the big stuff I do goes unthanked.
- In 1994 I pulled my brother's ass out of the ocean while he was being swept away by a rip-current.
- In 2003 I recruited a winning team of sailors for a tug-a-rope tourney.
- In 2006 a fire on the bridge of the USS Fitzgerald knocked out the nav lights for the ship. It was nighttime and the Fitz was in the middle of Tokyo Bay, a crowded waterway to be sure. All the electricians were busy with the fire damaged circuits, and apparantly eveyone else had their heads up their ass. For no logical reason it fell to me to fix the situation. I mobilized my team and got port/starboard/aft lights up just in time. Just seconds after setting up the port and starboards I was heading aft and on the fantail I watched as a huge ass cruise ship barely turned to avoid us. They were about 50 feet off port heading aft. Although technically later on the Captain did get back on the 1MC after thanking everyone else and said "Oh yeah and thanks to the EWs for helping out". I just like telling that story, because when you look at
it, obviously I wasn't the only person doing anything, rather it was because our division wasn't doing anything that we could mobilize.
- In 2007 douchebags ran San Diego's world famous "Street Scene" concert right into the ground. All these morons kept bitching that Street Scene was "too popular" to be held downtown. And that it was getting in downtown's way. You can look this up if you don't believe me, but Street Scene was THE ONLY REASON downtown San Diego was revitilized. It turned literal crack houses into world class restaurants because the concert brought so much money downtown. Anyway these fuckers, including most San Diegans and the media railed against the Street Scene, like fucking Jews against Christ, they killed their savior. Then along came me. I went on a fucking one man crusade when I found out they had ruined Street Scene. I sent every asshole in the industry a piece of my mind. The next fucking year they held the concert exactly where I told them to, which was in East Village a block from my apartment. It was a fucking epic success for them. Only problem for me, I didn't live there anymore, and nobody has sent me a fucking thank you.
-2010 I helped two women pass Biology class by studying with them and tutoring them. As soon as the semester ended, they completely blew me off and wouldn't even talk to me. Bitches. I also helped a guy with his Economics final, he said thanks. That's all I'd ever hope for. Fuck.
I better think up some more or I'll be out done. Seriously most people are very appreciative. I wouldn't ever claim I've given more than I've got. It just sucks when the big stuff I do goes unthanked.
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