Monster.com waste of time

I've had at least 1 serious resume' on monster.com since 2006. I have NEVER received a job offer. I do have a valid resume. It's just that no company has ever actually looked for a good employee. That's not how the system works. It's more like with women, they just wait for guys to hit on them, and they choose from among that group. Even if a chick gets wet just looking at a guy, 99% of the time she would not ask him to ever do anything. She'd flirt. But in the long run flirting is worthless, even bitches in long term relationships who would never date a guy would still flirt.

Anyway, a couple years ago I added a less serious resume' realizing no one reads those things anyway. I was right, my
2 current resumes on monster have been viewed a combined less than 20 times in 2 years. Fuck you monster.

Here's my funny resume.

No one is interested in my years of expertise and accomplishments. You are cowards, and you want safe hires. You're burned out from online apps, so no businesses actually hire online anymore, you guys just leave your information up here because your boss says you need it. So I'm just going to tell you the truth.   I am the hardest working son of a bitch I have ever met. I started working when I was 12. By age 13 I was on my third job. I paid for all my food and clothing from that point on. I've worked in auto shops, I've painted houses, I've laid cement, I've torn up cement. I've spent 8 hours a day in 100 degree weather pulling weeds with my bare hands. I've torn down pallets with crowbars, and I've built sheds. Have you ever torn up non skid? No you haven't, I have, for days. I've weed-whacked mountain sides. You think I'm kidding? I don't even care. No one will hire me, you are cowards and I am too qualified. I'm smarter than you, I have a better education than your boss. You are threatened by my skills. I remember working 18 hours a day for months at a time, doing anything from washing pots in a huge kitchen, to fixing pipes, to cleaning filters in ventilation. I solder microcircuitry when I'm bored. In my spare time I study the other two languages I speak, I work on my writing skills, which are better than yours. I have a security clearance from the Federal government higher than your business knows about. I had a higher reading comprehension level when I was 9 than you ever will. I don't even know how I could exaggerate, I haven't even mentioned all the careers I'm already an expert at. I honestly don't think there's a more qualified person than me, anywhere. Maybe if you brought Ben Franklin or Tesla back from the dead, I could slap them around a bit. I'm better than you. And you wouldn't even consider hiring me.