Just a regular guy

On Friday a woman walked up to me and asked me why I was not going to class. I vaguely recognized her as someone in my biology class. I'm rather dismissive of people as I know my worth on this planet, and it's not very high. Only people who want something from me for nothing in return, ever engage me.

Somehow she controlled this conversation into her explaining that she's been going to college forever, but that she had a head injury that had put her in a coma. I remarked it was good she recovered (as opposed to being in a permanent vegitative state) and she assured me she had not recovered, as in severe memory loss, problems learning, and has to take buckets of drugs everyday. On top of that she had problems with English, and the school was somehow screwing her in credits.

I really didn't fucking care. Especially when she mentioned she was married I pretty much tuned her out. Not that I had any superficial interest in her, rather, I've never even had a girlfriend. Love is all that matters in life, and no coma, no head injury will ever take away the fact that she got married. The way I see it, you get married you win. Doesn't matter after that. You won life.

So anyway she mentions that she's struggling in this class. I know what it's like trying to get out of this school, and knowing only 6% of students graduate, I know there's precious few people who are even trying. So I gave her my email. Nothing too special, I've already exchanged emails with people I don't know in 3 other classes, just in case there's critical information that I or they need.

I tell her if she has any questions I'd be happy to help.

Then she told me how everyone else had blown her off, and how nice I was to offer to help her. She started crying.

I hate people. Also I think I have the gout now, or arthritis or something, but I've been in constant pulsating pain and barely able to walk for 3 days now. I've gone past my limit on ibuprofen and I'm wondering what will hurt worse, this non stop pain in my foot, or vomiting blood when the drug wears a whole in my stomach? I'm thinking the stomach blood will be much less painful or inconvenient.

It took me 15 minutes to walk between classes today. Then I had to take the bus home, and walk about a mile limping in excrutiaing pain the whole time.

Reminded me of when I was in high school in San Francisco. I sprained my ankle. The day after I sprained it, I realized after class that I had no money for a bus, and I didn't really have the strength to walk up two hills on cruches anyway, so I just sat on the steps of the school and waited.

No one was coming to pick me up, but I figured maybe after my mom got home from work, maybe a few hours later she'd drive by. Or I could just sit on the steps until school the next day. Either way, I had no money,no friends, or any physical capacity to go anywhere in the city of hills on a sprained ankle.

About an hour later with few people left at that school a teacher came out. She saw I was in a bad situation and offered me a ride home.


I suppose a positive person would say "see, even when the chips are down..."

But that's fucking nonsense. Suffer long enough, someone'll come by eventually. That message sucks.


Suffer long enough, the bullet won't seem quite so sacrificial.